Today has been one of those days. A low after highs. A dip in mood and enthusiasm.
Considering the successes I’ve had over the last few days – talking to lovely people and getting appointments on Friday and Saturday, and then yesterday a successful weigh-in (yeah 🙂 )… Well, considering all that, I should be on a high, I should be raring to go, I should be pacing from one task to the next, riding my own wave of success and positivity.
So why did I sit down after working at stupid o’clock in the morning and do very little today? Yes, I am tired. I have been tired since the weekend. But I went back to bed after work on Sunday and slept until past midday, so I should have caught up. I had a brief nap this morning as well, so why did it not leave me energized? Is it my age? I am after all fast approaching my mid-fifties.
I won’t deny that age has something to do with it. I just don’t recover as easily from lack of sleep as I did when I was younger.
When I accepted the job at silly o’clock in the morning, I thought that it would leave me a lot of time to pursue both my writing as well as building the business. The other job that I do, marking exams, is seasonal, so would also fit in well (and it does).
Reality, however, has been very different. If you need to get up at 3.15 am, count backwards to calculate at what time you need to go to bed for 8 hours of sleep. Impossible! So my bedtime is generally 9 o’clock in the evening. I doesn’t only make me quite anti-social…
“Sorry I can’t stay late, I have to go to bed.” (I sound like a pre-schooler.)
Anyway, in addition to being the eternal party-pooper, I am permanently tired. I need to nap most days, and on days I don’t get one, because I have things to do, I am exhausted the next day, sleep until 2 in the afternoon and then can’t settle back to bed at 9…
Couple that with a life of self-doubt, low self-esteem and anxiety and here we have the reason for one of those days. It is the reason why I have been struggling to write (my most creative time of day is the middle of the night), it is the reason why my business has been growing slower than I wanted, it is the reason why I sought help to get me out of the destructive cycle of depression breeding deeper depression and anxiety stopping me from living.
Do you have any of those friends who do not believe in depression and the debilitating effect it can have on you? Their solution to procrastination, or to anything remotely emotional is:
“Just pull yourself together.”
I’ll tell you next time what I think about “just pulling yourself together.”