My life is in a state of flux and I am being bombarded by dilemmas.
Of course, central to this blog is my writing, my book – saying “my book” makes me very happy because it is becoming real. I love what I have written and I have come to accept what I have removed to make it flow better, to create a tighter and hopefully more enjoyable read. Yet there are still dilemmas – do I cut more based on constructive feedback or do I go with my gut and leave it in, in the belief that this is what makes my book different? Is different good, or will it put off the reader? Or do I compromise and rewrite that section so I don’t lose its essence, but it is not as distracting? Dilemmas.
Then there are the dilemmas around publication. My gut has told me that self-publishing is the way to go, but to keep writing to agents at the same time. I have come to expect rejections and quite look forward to collecting a world record number of them. This is not the dilemma – the dilemma is far more mundane: The cover.
The cover is just one giant dilemma – how do I put it together and make it look professional?
I have a title – in fact the title of the first book was there, ready formed, when I started writing almost 2 years ago. When one book became two, I needed a series title and a title for the second book. Will what I have chosen work? Without the guidance of an agent, I have to ask my gut again – it is happy, but what does my gut know?
I have chosen an image and a colour scheme, I have a tag line for the front and a blurb for the back. I even have 2 testimonials. I considered a font, which I like, but it is difficult to read, so which other will satisfy my gut and appeal to the reader?
So I have all the elements (apart from the ISBN number – not so much a dilemma as a complication) and a template and I sit here hoping that it will all fall into place – but the template remains a stubborn blank. Do I force it or do I wait for inspiration to strike? I could always ask for help. Dilemmas.
While I am battling with the dilemmas surrounding my book I still have to earn a living. I have a day job, an evening job and a seasonal job. The seasonal job makes the best money, just not often enough, and as luck would have it, ‘tis the season now, right in the middle of my personal publishing deadline. Do I turn down offers of work? Of course I can’t.
The evening job is coming to an end – my decision out of self-preservation. I love part of it, but hate another – the difficulty here is to decide when to stop as I will miss the part I love.
The day job – now that is a whole crateful of dilemmas. It is temporary. I am a non-entity who has been doing the job for over 4 years, but in this day and age, with budget cuts and restructuring there is no job security. I have had the contract extended on a quarterly basis, to the end of June and this time, it may well not be extended again. Do I bury my head in the sand and hope for the best? Do I revamp my CV and make it glossy and shiny so I can apply for 642 jobs I will get rejected from? (I already have enough rejections in my life from agents). Do I throw my hands up in the air and declare that I don’t want a job anyway because I now have my book.
I can almost hear the choruses of “Are you crazy? Write for the love of it. You will never make enough money to make a living.”
But why not – why can I not be one of the successful few who makes a good living out of writing? Is that not an achievable goal? Maybe it is… and maybe it isn’t, so until I know, I need the day job and I am back to sexifying (yes – I do make up words from time to time because it is fun) my CV, back to dazzling future employers and finding an occupation that will take me away from the pursuit of making a living from writing in order to make a living. Dilemmas.
Cass E Ritter 